Last monday, a very good friend of my family and me died unexpectedly, leaving behind her husband and two adolescent children. Two weeks ago she had her womb removed, which in itself is not a dangerous operation. Yet she kept having pain and after going back to the hospital Two times, they found that her bladder had a rupture and she had 5 liters of urine in her belly which, although painful, still isn't deadly. Mondaymorning, she fainted in the shower, came to and then died alsmost instanouesly. They tried reanimating her for almost an hour, but without any result. For now the cause looks like an explosive growth of clumps in he rlungs with squeezed the veins around the heart so tight that the heart could'nt pump blood anymore, heartfailure with no connection to the operation whatsoever.
I'ts al very painful but the thing I find very hard to deal with the sadness, not only my own but also that of my parents and her husband and children. What do you say to people who lost one of their nearest and dearest without a chance to say goodbye. There's not one condolence line I can come up with that will ease their sorrow, so next to sadness I feel guilt!!! Guilt because I cannot think of a way to help her relatives and guilt because cannot deal with my own sadness. I'm incapable of giving the family my condolences and incapable to show my sadness in front of others. i can't even tell people these thought, I can only write them.
Amidst all this self hatred the sadness doesnt disappear, again and again we are confronted with the fact that our friend isn't here anymore and never again will we be able to talk to her or work with her.
This kind of loss brings the worst powerlesness that I ever felt, how do you give place to loss?
The fact that this is the first journal update in two years shows how despersate I am about these feelings.
There's hope in the fact that we and I are not the fisrt persons to be confronted with this feeling and that the world still keeps on turning.
Rest in peace Tessa, you will be missed but you'll always remain in our hearts.